our teamspirit is not superficial and i do love the rgsquashers


and the seniors are really nice
and im ashamed to say i dont noe the juniors names.
then again.
we werent introduced.


and i think we have really bonded thru the mgs match.
yayy


and i think the seniors are really nice.
and its very sad reading their blogs.
and i think i noe whats true team spirit now.



but so much for team spirit
it just wouldnt change the fact that i lost.
that i pulled the whole team down.
hmmm.
and dont tell me no one blames me cos we are a team.
its just the big fact there that i did not play properly and lost
so theres no need for self delusion.


and i dont think i did freak out.
i dint freak out enough
so i stoned
yes i did
in my first official match ever


i wonder how i could not prepare myself for such an impt match
or maybe i had too much mental preparation
cos i was just feeling numb thruout the match
like i lose 1 set, come out
oh i lost one set
then go in.
get thrashed.
still stone
come out.
still never wake up
third set
lose
again
just like realised i had lost.



and then.
after we confirmed lost le.
and coach was talking to us.
it FINALLY hit me that i had lost


lost becos there was a freaking problem with me.
becos i wasnt freaked enuf
becos i was just stupidly stoning
cos i wasnt putting in my best


and i was seriously going to cry lah.
cos i realised that i freaking caused the team to lose.
but of course i dint
cos i HAD to maintain my image.
and cos i HAD to be strong.


but i dont noe why i just broke down when coach just stared at me.
i guess its just really hit me that i had let down so many ppl.
most imptly, myself
i was not responsible at all.
and i trained so hard.
put in so much time i sacrifice shopping, mugging, slacking.
and i trained.
just to lose.
to lose my first ever match
just to not play my best and lose for no reason

and i just cant believe it.
its seems so real.
and it is.
i dint expect it to be so real.
and its my freaking fault for not being prepared.
and i just have to account for it i guess



and i guess its nice to noe ppl care.
but the so many "no one blames you" is just deluding myself
and i appreciate it.
but even if u ppl dont blame me.
i have myself to blame



and i dint want to go for dinner was not only cos i dint bring my tuition stuff
but also cos i dint want to go home crying.
my eyes were freaking red and swollen
and i was not going to let them see i cried.
nope.
they never did and never will.

i guess i have never cried in front of anybody before.
and anyway
not like they freaking care



she doesnt even noe my comps are on.
she doesnt noe i lost


but i guess its cos i dint tell her.




so much for being strong and holding back the tears.
as eileen said.
wo zhuo kan you kan dou bu xiang shi yi ge jui ku de ren
i guess its the habit, the responsibility of being strong.
of holding back the tears.



and i think jodee and jacq are so cool
eileen's lob serves too.
and mabel's volleys
too

i love u peeps.
all rgsquashers.
and im really sorry for just dashing our hopes.
wasting ur hard work
DONT tell me about the process not the outcome thing
cos my match hads no process at all
i just went in, stoned and got thrashed

blegh




im sorry im hypocritical
im sorry for lying

but i just want to make u happy.
cos i feel really sad to see how bad u feel.
and even though what i said was to optimistic to be true.
just believe it








and somehow
i think i am so unfortunate and stressed
but i noe im not the only one.
im ashamed of wallowing in self pity.
when my problems are just so pathetic.






and i think im scared of everything
im scared of everyone
everything
myself
life
...
im scared i will make u angry
scared i will disappoint you
scared to talk to you
scared you would think im siao
scared u hate me
scared to hurt ur feelings
scared to tell u the truth
scared to see u cry
scared to wonder what u are thinking
scared i will cry
scared i will die
scared i will do stupid things and embarrass myself
scared i will let my secrets be found out
scared to let u noe how i feel
scared to let you noe how deep u hurt me
scared to let u noe how much im jealous of you



im scared of reality
how real it is.



and now im back to reality.
all i can do is cry and pick myself up from here
and hope for the best



im sorry.but i noe no matter how many times i apologise.its just like no use.like putting a dead fish in a fish tank waiting to see it swim.but i noe i cant change the facts.i dashed our dreams.our chance.our passion.our hopes.