perfection

isnt life just an endless search for perfection
to achieve the things you want to bring u a step closer to perfection

we search endlessly for beauty
for good grades

yah,
we all love beauty
we want it
we need it
we live with it.

whether its our physical appearance,
our stuff,
our bags,
our anything
it all has to be the most beautiful

and the search for beauty is whats making all of us suffer.
i bet the reason u are pissed today or yesterday or some day was cos of beauty
whether its cos of jealousy of other ppl's beauty
whether because its cos of greed for it.
it just makes you pissed/sad/irritated/frustrated

yesssss.
it makes sense
and the reason ppl suffer
is brought about by their ownselves.
yes,
i have answered His question.
He wanted to stop ppl's sufferings.
now the root of the problem is identified.
yesss.
all we can do to stop all the sufferings in the world is to stop of our own actions.
but thats impossible.

so theres that
its impossible to live a life with no sufferings.
so i shld stop complaining


but stillllll.
gosh
i have no reason why im hurting ppl.
yes.
i dint mean to at all.
but now that i unintentionally did
i dont know how to stop it.
cos my dignity is in my way.
yah,
im just so frrreaking selfish
my dignity is more impt than ur well being.
to think i am the welfare rep
i started and now i cant stop.
better late than never,
but im just too frreakking arrogant and immature to stop it.
sorry.

anyway!
must let everyone know who puddles is!


ignorance is bliss,
indeed.
i wish i was dull minded.
then i wouldnt know any truths.
then i wouldnt know all that evil.

i want to learn tobe more thick skinned!!!!
cos my life is miserable being thin skinned

and
and
and
and
and


gosh
stop hating lah

i just dont like ppl to cheat me.



do you know how much everyone sacrifices to keep you happy
and what we get in return is unworthy of such a sacrifice.

i wished i was
oh well forget it.


i wished you would just stop doing whatever you are doing
cos i aint gonna stop you even if i want
and you're just gonna get youself hurt

this time.
i wont give in
i wont give in to your pleas.
this time
i must make you give up.
it'll just lessen the hurt to you.

i still cant forget.
what you said to me.
and
i just cant stand it how imperfect i am.
how superficial
how hypocritical.

i know what i shld be.
i know what to do to be perfect.
everyone knows too.
its the part about doing it that is hard.
actions speak louder than words.

im back to square one.
and i hate it.

yessss.
i must learn to be patient
i either learn to accept being in square one
or i change it.

STOP BEING SELFISH YOU FRREAKKING GIRL.
ahhh.
im monologuing again!


and in my search for beauty and perfection
i ruined their lives

im no longer sure who i can trust. no. not even myself.
im really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry

we all love milo!

yayy.
going milo open on tuesday.
hopefully got milo truck XD


and im playing a jap girl
cool right!
but i cant find anything on her.
but shes probably pro

anyway
i trained for an hour today to ge used to flexpoint

eeyer.
its so heavy one
anyway
i hit theball out 4 times.
3 times it bounced on the floor,
bounced against the railing and rolled.
it nearly went over the railing lorh
then 4th time i hit too high AGAIN
and it went out and OVER the railing.

and poor puddles (the name of my ball anthea came up with)
fell to his death and drowned in the rain!

hahahaha
it was kind of like gao1 lou2 pao1 wu (erm,,somehow i dont think its supposed to be "wu" but nvm, u know what i mean,killer litter)
imagine a warm/HOT ball falling 3 storeys down
its alot of potential energy okay
so if it hits someone.
can get concussion lorh!

csc squash courts are deserted and more ulu than sengkang or boon kheng!
but as it was going to rain,
the sea breezes,
eh no,
sea WINDS
were very strong
blew my stuff every where
and i almost got blown tooooo.
so scary lorh!
so i went to hide in the courts
cos got glass wall to protect me XD

eh mabeel! i dont sound like juniors okay.
though i know im cute and young at heart XD

anyway.
i dint have anyone to talk to for one whole hour so i smsed and smsed
and i tried to look over the railing for my ball
but i was so high up so i couldnt see it anywhere
my condolences to my cuddly puddles!


anyway.
im not ver used to flexpoint
it makes my strokes lousy!

anyway
looking forward to tuesda !

she died with tears

i think i finally have learnt to feel for others.
and not just selfishly wallow in self pity all day long.
thanks so much.
you made me learn how to cry for others and not just for myself.

i hate deaths.

YAY!
i got my flexpoint alrdy!
haha! but the green strings are weird.
and anyway,
i look forward to going trning.
cos i cant wait to try my racquet out!
but....i guess trning itself isnt smth to look forward to...

and i think i better use the cover otherwise it will break again.

anyway
going sports planet was traumatising
firstly, there were alot of ppl.
and i saw mao shi hui.
then i ran in the shop,
saw coach
and zainal.
so scary

then coach stared at me weirdly
say: you played squash ah?
then i : HUH? YAH YAH YAH...
actually i also dunno what se say, i just yah yah yah,
haha.
cos i thought she meant i played squash today or smth?
but then again, there were matches ongoing at kallang,
so...
oh well, shes probably asking if i trained today or smth.
anywa, i said hi, then grabbed my racquet and ran out without saying bye
ooops

anyway!
i think music is very nice!
and i have new found loves and new found hates too.


and.
i managed to complete geog pt in 3hrs!
considering how long i chatted, yes im quick.
i slept at 1.30 am though i finished before that
cos im a nice person.
i helped alot of ppl, and chatted with someone. kind of...lent a listening ear lah.

oh my!
im such a goood person.
ok, i shld be humble lest ppl say im ego...

anyway.
truths really shed new light on everything.
maybe thats why i dont like them.

yesterday was certaintly a day of many discoveries.
scandals are nice :)
and i found out smth which is the most unimaginable and shocking thing ever.


i think i am a sexist and i shld remain that way.
cos some things just prove me right.
or maybe its just what happened to her.

but, still.
i totally side her.

you'll never guess what happened.
its very very very shocking.
i think its the most shocking thing i have ever heard in my life.
yes.

i cant believe it...
no no no no no no no no no no no.

if that happened to me, i would probably died of depression,
but then again, i wouldnt ever let smth like that happen to me.
so there.

but i guess, i'll never know what will actually happen to me.
i guess when it comes to love, people will just do anything.

so much for the love crossing all boundaries.
she crossed those boundaries,
and it is that which put an end to her life.
yes,
i wont ever cross that line.

even someone like me who knows nth about what it feels like, what it is like, can feel so much. you probably wont be able to imagine how heart shredding it is.

yes, its really really literally like really your heart will shred.
even though it dint happen to you.
yes, its that bad and that sad and that shocking.

theres nothing i can do to help due to my immaturity,and i dont know why you are telling me all that, but i just want you to know that .

and joan chan shu fang passed away.

i hate deaths.
i think i rather die than see someone die.
and yet i have discovered that two people i knew actually died.
my condolences,
may all the love be with you:)

i think i shld never had bought a dog so hastily.
but considering my age at that time, its not my fault.
i regret so much.
i dont want a dog!
i dont want to see it die.
i dont want to witness deaths.
nope.
i shld have just spared myself from all that sorrow and just love a soft toy instead
at least a soft toy doesnt die,
at least its huggable.
at least it listens to you.
at least it loves you when no one does.
at least it remains innocent when everything goes wrong.

whats my problem.
GROW UP GIRL.


im sorry i cant do anything but cry for you.
im sorry you have to go through this.
im sorry i cant emphatise and can only sympathise.
i know crying solves no problems.
i know we arnt close at all.
i just want you to know
that though i cant help in anyway,
though i wont ever be ur best friend.
i will always lend a listening ear to you.
maybe im just kaypoh.
but please just know that i feel deeply for you.
may all the love be with you.
may all the love evryone has for me be showered onto you.
you need it more than i do.
wipe those tears away girl!
i know you arnt that weak!

but if smth like that happens to anyone, she'll probably be weaker than you.
just want to let you know, you are my new idol!
haha.
i really really salute you.
for your courage.
your strength
your logical reasoning.
not just superficialty.

hello!
im supposed to do geog but oh well.
as usual im slacking.i better make this quick

anyway dint realise jodee wasnt in school today
searched high and low for her during rs.
hmph.

i nicely offered to search for her lorh
and ms lim was like nvm lah, just sms her.
but as usual she dint reply so i asked ms lim to let me find her.
run everywhere.
then thought of the squashcourts
but so far, i also very lazy.
and besides se wouldnt play during sch hours?
anyway, went back.
after leaving anna to dicuss rs with herself and take minutes of her own one-to-herself minutes XD
and so she asked if i checked library then i OH NO.
haha.
forgot.
then she ran up.
cos i was panting badly.
then she panted even worsely and came down.

and still no jodee.
though intellectual me considered the possibility that she was not even in sch that day.
but my eyes told me the that she had came
COS I SAW HER!!!
but apparently not.

and then i smartly guesses that jodee would probably be super fuming.
considering that i would if i couldnt find anyone
so i came to a conclusion that jodee disappeared cos
1) she got stuck in the toilet
2) the more probable, she commited suicide cos she was very pissed

im so smart
it was neither of the above!
hahaha.
but i really saw her that day!!!

oh well.


turns out jodee was happily at home.
stressing over her mountain of homework.

anyway
i have decided to get the flexpoint 130.
but i hope i dont regret taking that instead of ncode.

i am sooooo broke.
money all spent on squash
and i still have to pay for my shoes-__-
gosh

trning tmr
i dont feel like going
gotta chiong geog

but i think geog last minute also can one lah
but mine sure no insight!

haha.nvm
when did i have insight anyway
but my chinese better than jodee!
im pro man!

cotote ugly is very nice
and the star is quite pretty,
but got some sick scenes though

there was smth funny from my convo withanthea, but i cant rmb.
so forget it.

anyway

trning yesterday was very goooood

coach nicely treated us to venezia ice cream!

i rmb what was funny le!

anthea: i want coac to have boyfriend!
me: find a guy for her lah! ur cousin or smth, then u can be her relative!
anthea: sophia has 2 brothers older than coach,we offered to introduce them to her
lifang: so cool! was she interested?
anthea: no lah
lifang: aiyah...OH WOW.actually, we can be gay and marry coach!
anthea: yay! i want!
lifang: oh nooo.but coach is straight!



wheee.
super funny


wasted 4 hrs.
havent done geog.
and i cant be bothered le.


phtotaking tmr!
and i cut my hair!

lalalala.
team dinner tonight was ok.

cat is so sick!

sakura was ok.
only the prawns and cheesecake and dessert was good.

everything else was ok lah


hah!
andi just realised for some reason i have da chang jin chinese or cantonese or some language maybe korean song in my com.

sengkang is dangerous!
jodee poor girl so many influences XD
how can p6 ppl take drugs and smoke!!!!


gosh.

and i ate ALOT of cakes.
cheesecake, chocalate cakes, tiramisu, cream puff.
hahaha.
super filling.
but now im not full le.


IM SO HAPPY TOMORROW THERES TRNING!

but nowim trying to o geog.
havent started
talk so much
grrr....
i want to sleep!
was falling asleeep on the bus.

i need to watch sound of music and da chang jin.
but got no time.

and some ppl are plain irritaing.
because i dont see any logic in their ways.
maybe they are really illogical or im just irritable.
i think its the latter.


i was rather lame today.

trning was tiring.
but coach serene trained us so it was goooood!
i love coach!
wheeeeeeeee.

but i cant do volley drops
and my boasts deprove like siao.
gosh.
now i cant do anything but serve, drive straight and cross court
which isnt much at all.

the sec ones and germaine are so catching up very quickly, its scary.

and i havent started geog yet

and i cant stand the fact that some ppl are irritating.
and i think i dont like to talk to ppl in a bad mood.
so i think i know how ppl feel when im always pissed XD

so i shall try to be cheery

and i failed math.
i dont even know im sad anot.
i dont think so.
im just at a loss.
so despairing.


and do you know jay chou and wilber pan sing the ye ren zhi ai is super nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
swoons


oh and i like the colours of the visual in my new blogskin!
the effect is so nice and rainbowy.

i think there isno point in loving with no love in the world.
its likeu wont even love urself, so everyone will jut go commit suicide.
which is worse than global warming.
and imagine without love,
you go school everyday plotting to kill ur teacher or classmate.
hahaha.


and EDIT:
whatever i said here
IS NOT ABOUT JOCELYNE

its up to you to believe it.
and you'll be certaintly happier if u believe me.
YES indeed.

and anyway
whoever i was saying about.
hey there, im no longer pissed XD
really.
just rather irritable that day.

so anyone who saw that just pretend u dint see anything.

i shall take it off to prevent further misunderstandings.

and jocelyne u dint know my format of writing horh.
i bitch about ppl
is like.
every line is different ppl,
"you" means alot of different ppl.
DONT BELIEVE ASK.....EILEEN!
haha.
really it isnt about you!

kuo jian hua is soooo coooooooooool!
and i think listening to songs i listened in primary school is very sweeeet.
yep.
i still listen to the same old songs.
memories last in songs.

i like ren4 wo3 ao3 you3 the theme song sung by toro!!!!


its been months since i listened to any music.
now that i do, i love it!
yay!
i feeeel sing songy


and i think i like truths.
even though they hurt,
its better than guessing and worrying so much.

now i know how you feel, i wont ever be so mean again.
i never knew we all felt the same way.
sorry.

wddfnwyqbcuyfbxiqbxiyfx iq


for goodness sake.
will you just leave me alone and stop stressing me out.
gosh.

i havent done philo.
i dont want to do!
and i just realised its impt!

jfnwhnciuncoi
shit.
yep after abstaining from this vulgarity i cant help but say it again.
i am frustrated and pissed.

and why kdnincwudbncubu the shit wijcnucwi do i have to find my own trouble and offer to help others when i dont even have time to help myself.

shoosh.
not that i mind helping but it just makes things more complicated.


going out with simin and jessie was fun
brought back the memories.
shall elaborate next post or smth
gotta do geog research,
philo journal,study chinese,do maths?


dkcfjnuvgnurncu3qfunhfuvhiwnqv[oivbnfoiw
gosh gosh gosh.
im am freaking annoyed.

and some people just make things worse.
stupid hypocritical selfish greedy fjgnvuw3vnwoun freak.

pffffffft.


school was fun today.
till philo spoiled everything.

einstein is a genius!

"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."

precisely.
i shall try to be less kiasi cos its jus a matter of time before we all die.
actually,i think whats scary is suffering pain and agony,and not death.
sometimes,death can be a blessing.
yay!

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

yep.
i guess this is rather true...
but dont really understand it totally.
but his words sound so beautiful!

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

waahaha.
he sure has a great way to explain stuff.
einstein shall be my IDOL!
he is genius in spiritually,scientifically,and blah blah.

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

this is called word play!
seeeeeee.ancient times also got so cheem language techniques!

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

HAHAHA.
this is so cooooool.
word play again!

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

yah yah.
reality is such an irritating pest.
a stubborn mule that rams its head constantly into the door.

"The only real valuable thing is intuition."

wooooh.
i guess we all have to do stuff with our hearts not our heads?
maybe this technique is outdated...
if everyone uses heart not head,
heh heh
everyone is irrational.

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

i guess this is the same as like....
there is no fear for anything but fear itself?
like,we are the ban4 jiao3 shi2 in our on way.
like we have nothing to overcome but ourselves.
YES!

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

time flieeeeeeeeees.
indeed.
PRECISELY.
so dont need to plan so far into the future what....
i guess like the day before i graduate then i shld start thinking of an ambition then.
that is if i even graduate....

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

HAH.
this certaintly sounds like some da vinci code thingy
hehe.
seeeeeeee.conflict management!
must come to a compromise then both parties will be happy.
to think that einstein had such grrreat foresight!
hah.
and this applies to all religions i guess?

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

OH WOW.
no wonder nobody's perfect!
gosh.
that means someone who is "perfect" is actually the least perfect of all!
HAH
i realised that last time but just dint know how to phrase it.
this totally explains my dislike for ___!
ok.fine i dont dislike her,just cant stand her "perfectness"

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

hahaha.
wow.
common sense is really common.
but might not necessary be factual.
its just basically literally common in simple terms XD

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
if everyone was understanding there will be WORLD PEACE.
i think i want to be a humanitarian next time!
and anyway.
this probabl explains why my world peace theory works.
cos i understand why others do things they do cos its their nature etc,
and so there is peace between us!
even if my understanding is warped,its still a form of understanding!
so yay to world peace!

and goodness gracious me.
i hope that there really is peace between me and everyone.
though i bet someone out there hates me like shit.
oh noooooooo.



"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."

yep.
sometimes we just think so much.
why think about something u understand already?
i guess its called tentative or something.
trying to think more about it to discover smth new?



einstein is coool!

gosh.
i am a wonderful mediator!

trning was quite okay.
but was rather pissed when i dint get to do the boasts thingy for some reason.
mr li was like 4 of you come.
then what about meeee!!!!!!
shsdncuscbicbe
shoosh

nvm.
but now im happy.
cos im a mediator.
i look forward to milo all stars.
and i love macs!

and im a trend setter.
CAT uses shoosh too.
its non-vulgar and relives anger!

and the blogger thingy turned blue again!

and gvnuevnguewbvbw
i dont understand why some ppl are so irresponsible and rude and tactless.
maybe i am too but....im not as bad
oh well.

OH.
the " shi4 wang3 mo2 xiao4 li4" thingy
its super logical and cool.
its like...
if u have a special trait or some thing,
u will notice more of it....
EG. u buy a toy car, u think its unique,then u realise ten other ppl on the streets have it.
COS u pay more attention to look out for it.
EG 2. if u are irresponsible, u will think alot of ppl are too.cos u will notice the trait u have,and see if others have it to.
its a natural reaction!

and tmr going out with simin!

next friday is team dinner
and monday go prize presentation and Spot Check.
shhooosh


yay im gonna watch da chang jin now!

i just realised

theres so many people to help.
so many people out there...
some right before me.
and now that i know the truth or maybe what appears to be the truth,
i guess i just have to help you.
but its not that simple.
and maybe what u need isnt me.
and maybe im just acting saintly and dont really mean to help you.
nope.
i want to help if i can.
but im sure my helpfulness will just be deemed by you as fakeness.
and perhaps it will just do more harm than good.
it will probably be super short term which is precisely what you moan of.
but face it.
reality is that nothing is permanent.
HAH.
you will never ever read this.
cos u dont know that i found out the truth about you.
and besides.
we are 90% strangers so this post doesnt really matter.
im just sharing my views with myself.
yes.
and i just want to let you know that...
nothing.
besides,you'll never read this.


strangers can be more than strange.

i dint know others felt as deprived as i did

cjhgiurnvuencvheni

goodness gracious me.

psmcnhvhvonckehoiu
idjxiebcuebxueubu4ciu34bfiubiuxbiu4hxiu4hx

ok.
i feel better spewing nonsense.
gosh.
but im still highly irritable.

and i honestly wished some ppl would leave me alone to rot and stop making things difficult for me.
its like...
OBVIOUSLY a trap for me to fall in.
and if i dont fall into that trap, i will just fall ino another.
either way u will just rip my life away.
AND THUS, i have decided to feign ignorance.
hah.
so now u will just think i fell into your trap or im ignorant.
well.
the uncertainty is enough.
but dont be sad if u think i fell into your trap :)


i bet u dont know what im talking about.

i must learn to make things more unidentifiable.

i love philosphy!
guess what
i borrowed a book on capital punishment though philo is over.
but its so cheem i read one page gave up.
i shall borrow another one onterrorism and racism!



"capital punishment means :anyone with no capital gets punished"
so smart right!
the book!

ahhhh.
it makes so much sense.
totally

"we show our regard for human life by the adoption of a rule that he who violates that right in another forfeits it for himself"

"by imposing the death penalty on those who dare break the rule of existence, we affirm the dignity of every other individual"
BRILLIANT!


certaintly makes me question my existence.
pffft.


u dont know.
not at all.
well u nearly did but its best u never know.


i just hate it.
why everyone lies to me.
why nobody ever trusts me.
why i never trust anybody.
i guess nobody can be trusted.
not at all.
and it just comes back to the fact that im alone.
again.

again and again and again and again and again and again.
u just have to repeat it dont you.
im sick and tired of begging u to give me happiness.
u just have to show your dislike for me right before me right.

gosh.
i am highly highly highly highly highly pissed.
i have never been this poor in my whole life.
i hate being broke.
i guess i just have to sacrifice that hollister skirt.
BLEGH.
after yearning for it like so long.
well if i pay coach later then i can buy.
but nope.i shall not buy it.
im sure in kl i can find cheaper ones.

uhfvuevbniuntvgurtyebvufejkcjkfnjvbvufhiveifbgvguegnvoi
gosh.
i just cant stand it that u just have to raise my hopes and then dash them.
i hate sucking up to you and not get results.

i hate sucking up to you when i hate you like siao.
fkscgjndfsbhcdfysvfuydblscuf.ubw3iv tu

i shall never ever ever ever believe you wholeheartedly.
and never ever ever ever ever do things to please you.
i hate smiling at you and then turn behind and mutter "stupid fat pig"
gosh.
actually i dont even smile at you.
well
maybe when you raise my hopes of getting that pair of jeans.
so much for your big fat genorosity.
what happened to your promise of getting it for me.
apparently it matters so much that u forgot about it within 5 mins.
or maybe u are just feigning it.

from now on i shall just risk it and be happy.
i will not be your puppet ever again.
but i guess even if i escaped, i will still be yours.
a puppet will always belong to its master.

vhiiiiiignhurkbnvrp .
and yes.
now lets talk about her.
gosh.
do you know how much your nice daughter sticks to her?
obviously you do.
thats why u treat her like gold.
and treat me as trash.
no not as trash.
the worst thing is that u dont treat me like anything.
but then again.
i shldnt care.
considering that we dont know each other.
and we both pretend to be nice.
u just do her a favor and let me tag along yah.
and i just help her keep her face by smiling and greeting you.
not like ihave a choice.
but i guess i csan always change days,or take a bus and not bother you.
considering that we arnt even neighbours.
that we are total strangers.





choir concert was cool.next year and next next year and many years i will go!
we saw mabel junior.
speaking of juniors, what happened to anonymous ppl?
anyway.
i was pointing to mabel jnr in the hall, then jodee was like
bowing and saying GOOD MORNING.
yes.
IT WAS NIGHT TIME.
and she was greeting a teacher not mabel junior XD
she thought i was pointing to the teacher
loser lah XD

and im sure today she will do smth loser though she says she dint.
oh well.

AND I LOST MY BEAUTIFUL MONA LISA!
sheddjbfbcusncoues
now have to repaint and i have no materials at all.

bel canto sat beside simin!
was nice talking again.
perhaps sunday we'll be movie-ing.
but im broke so maybe i shant go for lunch?

and dfmceoivnuencrjnmvrn v
u dont know how much i hate it when u go overboard.
i know im nice.
but u dont have to take advantage of my magnanmity by being so irresponisble do you?
hah
and u thought it was funny.
even someone who knows me less well than you do could tell i was pissed.
sorry lah but i cant handle criticisms well.
i can, just not UNJUST ones.
but i guess seeing you just makes me forgive you.
i cant hold grudges for long.

trning tmr!
yay


2.4 was fun.
running in the rain!
rained last round and i was soaked.
i ran 12.37 mins.
yay.
i feel proud of myself though i could have done better if i had not been pisssed.
hehe
ms ong was leaving aready.
so i thought i had to re run and was pissed.
but i was like 1m away from finishing line so i ran there in case i dint have to.
then i stopped at ending line and was like:have to rerun!!!!!???
then they were all like RUN RUN RUN
then i was like HUH???
then i just ran.
i realised i havent reach ending line, 3m more XD
fortunately,
thanks to yuhui and huiqi!
they asked ms ong to wait for me!!!!
so i dint have to rerun.
then i was like happy when lisa came past
and she was like RUN DONT STOP
then i HUH
and half run half walk.

then i was hsouting for yu hui like siao but she dint hear.
cos lisa said i havent run finish
and i wasnt very sure either.
but in the end i decided that i probably ran finished le and so i went in to j blk.
soaked totally.
at bus stop.
it was flooded cos drain got clogged.
super cool lah!
was like a flash flood,
as in the cuurrents were strong!
and ppl screamed when lightnibg came.
and my shoes got SUBMERGED cos the water was ankle high!


anyway
was yesterday loser day or what.
jodee malu at acs,
jocelyne during recess also

cos i saw mrs koh by with styrofoam.
so the very environmentally friendly me was telling joce of how she teached geog and dint save the earth.
then joce was like: yah lorh, so much CPF.
then i HUH.
then she said: the thing that causes global warming!
then i realised it was CFCs! ! ! !
hahahaha.
then she was like :CPF LAH!WHATS CFC!?
haha.

i am depressed over the loss of mona lisa.

and i need to do lots of stuff
1. be more humble
2.be less greedy
3.have more dicipline
4.be smarter
5.be less mean

i think i can empathise everyone but my family.
pfft.
maybe cos i know them well enough that the WORLD PEACE THEORY doesnt work on them
actually i dont know them well at all.
and
dont tell me love makes the world go round.
money is realistically as impt.
thats why im pissed and depressed.
no money,not happy.
well.
u might then say that no money, got love will be happy,
but then,
what if i say theres no love AND money.
pffft.
NOW thats a reason for me to be unhappy.
so u cant say anything about being happy without money and just love.




she lives in a house, not a home

ooohlala.
how come blogger the thingy become blue!!!
haha.
im feeeeling high!

5 items were satisfying.
yah.
i managed to get satisfying results.
at least i improved!

my IPU was very bad...
i totally wobbled and bent my knees when there was three more or so to get an A!!!!
thx mengxia for pushing me or else i would just get C or amth for IPU!

shuttle run was an improvement!
first time i ran, i saw three white lines so i dunno which one must run past.
so i run past all!
and wasted few seconds....
so i tried again.
and i was amazed with how pro i was XD
no lah...primary sch run slower lorh


anyway.
some teachers are just freaking unfair.
well.
unreasonable...
and i feel the unjust for my fellow classmates.
ok....
i think saying this just makes people think i am....
okay.
i shall not say it but i know that you know it.
well,
maybe i am.
but i doubt so.

oh oh oh.
the thingy has returned to normal!
its not blue anymore!
haha.
whatever


and whats her freaking fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffreaking problem.
hfoinvlwpm,smcwofnschacjkndposhoiaegnv.
i shall not lose my composure because of people like u who live just to serve as obstacles for ppl to overcome.
pffffft.
and vulgarities arnt cool.
at all.
i hate to say it but its seriously not your fault.
its just your environment.
GOSH.
bak to the world peace theory again.
OK.
now lets analyse this using a LOGICAL theory.
OF COURSE its your fault.
your environment is just an excuse i came up for you.
honestly.
i hate you that much but im still finding excuses for you?
GOSH.
OK OK OK.its ALL YOUR fault.
that u have no dicipline and mind of your own.
that u are so easily influenced by ppl around you.
BUT.
its really hard not to be influenced by your surroundings i guess....
considering how u have been in it for 10 years???
goooodness me.
i hated you like sssssssshkcnsodn just now and now i have forgiven you cos its just human nature to be affected by one's surroundings and its difficult to cultivate discipline...


maybe its good afterall.
that i dont get angry for long...
i dont care if my theory is wrong.
it makes me happier.
OK.
wait.
i do care if its wrong.
but
u have to admit is makes ppl happier.
RIGHT?

and whoever i was dsnconefnvbm about is not you.
yeah.
really!
its just sparked of with ONE SINGLE WORD.
yep.
u probably use it too...
or maybe its just that she used in ON ME WHEN I FREAKING DID NOTHING WRONG?!?!
ok.
maybe i was wrong but u dont have to say something like that.
ill-bred.
yes.
i am utterly embarrassed to be related to you.

OH WELL.
blood is thicker than water and its not your fault u turned out this way.
we were bred the same way...
OH WOW
that means it IS your fault.
cos i managed to steer myself in the right direction but u dint.
and we were bred the same way!
hah.
i know you dont understand what im saying.
nvm, i do!
hah.

whatever.
i shall not be angered by flies like you with brains drowning with water.
ooops.
flies have no brains!
oh gosh.i am downright mean.
but im glad i see you only in the evening.
so just prevents our relationship from detioriating anymore.
wait.
there was nothing to start with....
nvm, just keep out of my way and i will steer clear of you too.
then we will all be happy.
yah right.
im sure its this simple...


OH WILL I JUST STOP COMPLAINING!

anyway
i realised as usual
i dumbly did something dumb.
i handed up math assignment only to realise at home that the answers were still with me....
i just handed up the questions and graphs..........!!!

pfft.


anyway.
i ave an interesting problem today.
yay.
im sure i will have more self-knowledge after it!
oh.thats philo last year!!!
yayyyy!

anyway.
its just a test of my integrity.
and it just proves that all those delusional integrity i thougt i had actually never existed....
awwwwww.
really!
i know whats he right thing to do.
but i cant help but be tempted cos i know of my incompetency.
and besides everybody's doing the same so why shldn i?
well.
cos i shld have my own mind and not be influenced.
i am such a hypocrite...
to thing i was bitching about her absolute lack of her own mind just now...
GOSH

anyway!
i know i shldnt do what everybody's doing cos its wrong.
morally wrong.
but....
is so small scale!
but!
then again, despite the degree of it.
its still dishonesty!!!!
and i think i will feel guilty if i do it.

but the outcome will be good!
this is exactly what we learnt last year philo XD
haha.
anyway!


my purpose is good.
its for my own good.
selfish motive larh!
but
it wont harm anyone what!
except my own integrity....
but.
the means is also not harmful.

afterall.
i dint intend to do it at all.
but was offered it.

ahhhhhhhh.
it harms no one.
now all thats in my way is my integrity and conscience.
but PI LAH!
how far can integrity get me.
certaintly less than 1 metre lah.
this is soooooo small scale it wont matter much but

even if i uphold my integrity and all....which i THINK i have.or maybe its delusional,,,
i wont benefit.
aside from knowing i dint disappoint my conscience.
but reality is that if i dont be dishonest, i wont get as far as others can.
that is reality and belive it or not,
integrity doesnt determine success.

but i think i shld belive in myself and
uphold my integrity.
but then the issue at hand now is....
that i have integrity or rather i PRETEND to have, but i know that i wont be very guilty knowing i was dishonest....
so maybe i had not much integrity to start with.
cos deep down inside i know i wont mind being dishonest cos it benefits me...
honestly, i dont think i can differentiate between what i know is right and what i actually believe is right.
no.as in....
i believe that what is morally right IS right,
but its hard to do everything such that its perfectly morally right.
YES.
i got it.
all i have to do is try to do hings morally right!
gosh.
to think i took so long to figure that out
haha.

seriously.
im sure nobody ever
EVER
EVER
EVER
does think so much over a small act of dishonesty...

but.
to think i derived a conclusion....
i still dunno what to do.
i know what is right,
i SHOULD do whats right,
but
it doesnt benefit me much!
feeling better wont make up for knowing im the only fool who cared so much about integrity over real hard tangible good outcomes.

so it all boils down to tangible stuff being more impt then intangible stuff?
cos in reality,
everything is harsh and fake and all about competency.
no one cares if you are honest or not.

as in not no body cares.
but
its true that people wont go like " are u honest? if you are, i will employ you!"

okay...
honesty does matter.
but.
isnt it like a dog eat dog world out there?
if your boss knows u cheated or smth but clinched a big deal,
most likely he'll just close one eye right!
unless he/she has integrity that is.

but do u think he/she will call the police to rrest you just to uphold justice and do wats morally right.
and since he benefits but u did smth morally wrong, he shld call the police?
im sure there are ppl like that, but its such a small minority!

the majority dont give a dhjkhsvvj to integrity.
unless it involves their feelings etc where they will be at a disadvantage....
honestly.
if they were at a disadvantage, they definitely will condmn your dishonesty.
maybe this is called hypocrisy.

WOW
i managed to link my ideas up into a big big mind map!
i guess the whole main point that is in the middles of the map shld be smth like "THIS IS JUST THE WAY LIFE IS"
maybe that isnt broad enough but oh well.

im sick and tired of upholding my integrity.
no one cares.
no one bothers.
no one will bother to think about their integrity cos it isnt very impt.

sorry lah, im not condemning any of you.
REALLY.
im just trying to clear my thoughts and find out if i really have integrity.


somehow.
i think all this is just an act.
maybe i dont have integrity.
i thought i have, but maybe its cos i try to do whats right but i dont really belive in it but do it just cos its right?
andi thought we shld do hings which we believe in...
everything just boils down to : THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE.
oh it isnt meant to make sense
if humans were that easy to understand,
everyone would be plotting and scheming on how to kill each other.
or maybe thats what IS happening.
dog eat dog world.
whoever isnt ruthless will just lose out.
like whats happening to me right now.

maybe if everyone understood each other,
everyone wont kill each other but empathise and love each other!
yes!
thats why everyone is murderous now cos we dont understand each other!
wow. i realised that!
but it will never change cos no one will ever truely understand humans.
there is no right or wrong.
there is no truth to seek.
we all live life with no goals.

if theres no right and wrong,
where does integrity come in?
GOSH!!!!!!!
i am totally counter arguing my own arguments!
i think i make sense.
but i guess its all in my head and i dint really express myself coherently so its not your fault if u dont understand XD

OH WOW.
im experiencing internal debate over moral issues.

and apparently i just got proven right that everyone is dishonest .
i dont belive anybody dint ever be dishonest in his/her whole life before.

humans just exploiy each other and do nothing else.
that is so right!
im intellectual overnight!wheeeee
told you i would learn more after this internal debate!!!!!
i feel like i discovered something more about life and its meaning.

i feel weird when people tell me something which i dont know how to answer.
as in....
if i go "i ate dinner just now"
u will go like "errrrr.ok..."
cos its such a "whatever i dont care at all" thing to say.
yah.
just feels weird replying statements like that...
dont expect me to say smth like " oh.did u eat curry or what"

ok..........
im just expressing what i feel of weird statements


i think i write long posts cos i dont talk alot .
i express myself better in words?
so im really talking now just not verbally.
-____-
haha. that makes sense!

seriously i will never say out verbally most of the stuff i post
i think i just prefer to avoid direct contact with others
yes!
i am anti-social.
very.
and its causing me all the problems in the world.
vhnsuybviu
sheeesh

and just when i thought i figured out my life,
it turns out i havent been much clearer about anything.
all this thinking just wastes my time cos they dont solve my problems at all.

yep.

im still back in square one.
i guess life never advances.
only time does.

i love some things i say cos they are just so brilliant.

i am talkative.
just not verbally
XD
XD
XD

ooh

ooooh.
dunno why im ooohing.
but i wished i had gone for dinner on friday.


"When Your feeling alone like no one cares readthis cuz its absolutely true: Every night , someone thinks about you before they go to sleep, at least fifteen people in this world love you.The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.There are at least two people in this world that would die foryou. You mean the world to someone.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look. Always remember the compliments you've received. Forget the rude remarks."

okay...you probably read it in your mail or something...
but i think this one is meaningful !!!
like anger management or smth XD
really what...................

oh wells.

i think its really...irritating to see ppl making use of others.
okay.forget that i said that.

anyway.
i nicely lent my geog textbook to jodeeeee.

so i cant study to day!
haha.
what an excuse.
i managed to finish my painting!
actually i watch tv and paint so its kind of ....not as nice as it should be.

tmr is 5 items.
im only worried for my sit and reach XD
is terrible.

i think i havent replied anthea's letter......
or maybe i lost it
or maybe i just posted it already?
sheeesh.
i think i tore it up or something out of boredom XD

i seriously have violent tendencies.
hah.

jodee's racquet is pretty.
but not very amazing.
but still better than my racquet.
which is cracking.
but i have no idea what racque to buy.
considering how limited choices i have.....

anyway.
i need a goal in life or i will never be able to choose the correct subject combination....
pffffft.

honestly, i wont mind taking 9 subjects XD
yes!
i am hardworking.
only if all are unexaminable...


oh well.

i have to solve THIS problem, and THAT one, and my racquet problem, and my shopping scheme problem, my math EOI problem, human relations problem with the whole wide world,
communication breakdown with ALOT of ppl, my DETENTION problem," the sight of her freaking pisses me" problem....

WOW
i just hate laughing all these off.


friday was....funny.
haha.
i know i am funny.
oh forget it.


rs is is so far a flop.
public relations tooo.
and my misconception of the whole wide world.



and my guilt is eating me whole.
no wonder i cant feel a thing.

i like studying XD
squashing is relatively boring except for saturdays.

OG was a big mistake.
and my judements have all proved me wrong.

i want a rainbow.
i nice bright one!

and yet again i found out more about others.
their problems which are bigger than mine.

i hate the silence in which i complain in day and night.
humans are really superficial.
and i am really shallow.
pffffft.


da chang jin is touching!
xin niang si ba sui toooo!
ahhhhh!
i realised i am getting more humane than ever.
yay!
it feels good to know i actually feel for others.


backstabbing should be illegal.
hypocrisy too.

mirrors too.
for they evoke jealousy and greed, and anger.
all the roots of evil.
humans should ease to exist for all contain some streak of un-good-ness.

chocalate and sweets make my day.
cheers to mNms and toberlone!
samosas too!

her smile's so wide,
she cant see a thing,
or maybe its just the tears in her eyes.


if i just make u unhappy, maybe i should disappear.
but if i disappeared i can never appear again.
so make your choice.
either way you will be happier without me.
im really sorry.