ooohlala.
how come blogger the thingy become blue!!!
haha.
im feeeeling high!

5 items were satisfying.
yah.
i managed to get satisfying results.
at least i improved!

my IPU was very bad...
i totally wobbled and bent my knees when there was three more or so to get an A!!!!
thx mengxia for pushing me or else i would just get C or amth for IPU!

shuttle run was an improvement!
first time i ran, i saw three white lines so i dunno which one must run past.
so i run past all!
and wasted few seconds....
so i tried again.
and i was amazed with how pro i was XD
no lah...primary sch run slower lorh


anyway.
some teachers are just freaking unfair.
well.
unreasonable...
and i feel the unjust for my fellow classmates.
ok....
i think saying this just makes people think i am....
okay.
i shall not say it but i know that you know it.
well,
maybe i am.
but i doubt so.

oh oh oh.
the thingy has returned to normal!
its not blue anymore!
haha.
whatever


and whats her freaking fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffreaking problem.
hfoinvlwpm,smcwofnschacjkndposhoiaegnv.
i shall not lose my composure because of people like u who live just to serve as obstacles for ppl to overcome.
pffffft.
and vulgarities arnt cool.
at all.
i hate to say it but its seriously not your fault.
its just your environment.
GOSH.
bak to the world peace theory again.
OK.
now lets analyse this using a LOGICAL theory.
OF COURSE its your fault.
your environment is just an excuse i came up for you.
honestly.
i hate you that much but im still finding excuses for you?
GOSH.
OK OK OK.its ALL YOUR fault.
that u have no dicipline and mind of your own.
that u are so easily influenced by ppl around you.
BUT.
its really hard not to be influenced by your surroundings i guess....
considering how u have been in it for 10 years???
goooodness me.
i hated you like sssssssshkcnsodn just now and now i have forgiven you cos its just human nature to be affected by one's surroundings and its difficult to cultivate discipline...


maybe its good afterall.
that i dont get angry for long...
i dont care if my theory is wrong.
it makes me happier.
OK.
wait.
i do care if its wrong.
but
u have to admit is makes ppl happier.
RIGHT?

and whoever i was dsnconefnvbm about is not you.
yeah.
really!
its just sparked of with ONE SINGLE WORD.
yep.
u probably use it too...
or maybe its just that she used in ON ME WHEN I FREAKING DID NOTHING WRONG?!?!
ok.
maybe i was wrong but u dont have to say something like that.
ill-bred.
yes.
i am utterly embarrassed to be related to you.

OH WELL.
blood is thicker than water and its not your fault u turned out this way.
we were bred the same way...
OH WOW
that means it IS your fault.
cos i managed to steer myself in the right direction but u dint.
and we were bred the same way!
hah.
i know you dont understand what im saying.
nvm, i do!
hah.

whatever.
i shall not be angered by flies like you with brains drowning with water.
ooops.
flies have no brains!
oh gosh.i am downright mean.
but im glad i see you only in the evening.
so just prevents our relationship from detioriating anymore.
wait.
there was nothing to start with....
nvm, just keep out of my way and i will steer clear of you too.
then we will all be happy.
yah right.
im sure its this simple...


OH WILL I JUST STOP COMPLAINING!

anyway
i realised as usual
i dumbly did something dumb.
i handed up math assignment only to realise at home that the answers were still with me....
i just handed up the questions and graphs..........!!!

pfft.


anyway.
i ave an interesting problem today.
yay.
im sure i will have more self-knowledge after it!
oh.thats philo last year!!!
yayyyy!

anyway.
its just a test of my integrity.
and it just proves that all those delusional integrity i thougt i had actually never existed....
awwwwww.
really!
i know whats he right thing to do.
but i cant help but be tempted cos i know of my incompetency.
and besides everybody's doing the same so why shldn i?
well.
cos i shld have my own mind and not be influenced.
i am such a hypocrite...
to thing i was bitching about her absolute lack of her own mind just now...
GOSH

anyway!
i know i shldnt do what everybody's doing cos its wrong.
morally wrong.
but....
is so small scale!
but!
then again, despite the degree of it.
its still dishonesty!!!!
and i think i will feel guilty if i do it.

but the outcome will be good!
this is exactly what we learnt last year philo XD
haha.
anyway!


my purpose is good.
its for my own good.
selfish motive larh!
but
it wont harm anyone what!
except my own integrity....
but.
the means is also not harmful.

afterall.
i dint intend to do it at all.
but was offered it.

ahhhhhhhh.
it harms no one.
now all thats in my way is my integrity and conscience.
but PI LAH!
how far can integrity get me.
certaintly less than 1 metre lah.
this is soooooo small scale it wont matter much but

even if i uphold my integrity and all....which i THINK i have.or maybe its delusional,,,
i wont benefit.
aside from knowing i dint disappoint my conscience.
but reality is that if i dont be dishonest, i wont get as far as others can.
that is reality and belive it or not,
integrity doesnt determine success.

but i think i shld belive in myself and
uphold my integrity.
but then the issue at hand now is....
that i have integrity or rather i PRETEND to have, but i know that i wont be very guilty knowing i was dishonest....
so maybe i had not much integrity to start with.
cos deep down inside i know i wont mind being dishonest cos it benefits me...
honestly, i dont think i can differentiate between what i know is right and what i actually believe is right.
no.as in....
i believe that what is morally right IS right,
but its hard to do everything such that its perfectly morally right.
YES.
i got it.
all i have to do is try to do hings morally right!
gosh.
to think i took so long to figure that out
haha.

seriously.
im sure nobody ever
EVER
EVER
EVER
does think so much over a small act of dishonesty...

but.
to think i derived a conclusion....
i still dunno what to do.
i know what is right,
i SHOULD do whats right,
but
it doesnt benefit me much!
feeling better wont make up for knowing im the only fool who cared so much about integrity over real hard tangible good outcomes.

so it all boils down to tangible stuff being more impt then intangible stuff?
cos in reality,
everything is harsh and fake and all about competency.
no one cares if you are honest or not.

as in not no body cares.
but
its true that people wont go like " are u honest? if you are, i will employ you!"

okay...
honesty does matter.
but.
isnt it like a dog eat dog world out there?
if your boss knows u cheated or smth but clinched a big deal,
most likely he'll just close one eye right!
unless he/she has integrity that is.

but do u think he/she will call the police to rrest you just to uphold justice and do wats morally right.
and since he benefits but u did smth morally wrong, he shld call the police?
im sure there are ppl like that, but its such a small minority!

the majority dont give a dhjkhsvvj to integrity.
unless it involves their feelings etc where they will be at a disadvantage....
honestly.
if they were at a disadvantage, they definitely will condmn your dishonesty.
maybe this is called hypocrisy.

WOW
i managed to link my ideas up into a big big mind map!
i guess the whole main point that is in the middles of the map shld be smth like "THIS IS JUST THE WAY LIFE IS"
maybe that isnt broad enough but oh well.

im sick and tired of upholding my integrity.
no one cares.
no one bothers.
no one will bother to think about their integrity cos it isnt very impt.

sorry lah, im not condemning any of you.
REALLY.
im just trying to clear my thoughts and find out if i really have integrity.


somehow.
i think all this is just an act.
maybe i dont have integrity.
i thought i have, but maybe its cos i try to do whats right but i dont really belive in it but do it just cos its right?
andi thought we shld do hings which we believe in...
everything just boils down to : THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE.
oh it isnt meant to make sense
if humans were that easy to understand,
everyone would be plotting and scheming on how to kill each other.
or maybe thats what IS happening.
dog eat dog world.
whoever isnt ruthless will just lose out.
like whats happening to me right now.

maybe if everyone understood each other,
everyone wont kill each other but empathise and love each other!
yes!
thats why everyone is murderous now cos we dont understand each other!
wow. i realised that!
but it will never change cos no one will ever truely understand humans.
there is no right or wrong.
there is no truth to seek.
we all live life with no goals.

if theres no right and wrong,
where does integrity come in?
GOSH!!!!!!!
i am totally counter arguing my own arguments!
i think i make sense.
but i guess its all in my head and i dint really express myself coherently so its not your fault if u dont understand XD

OH WOW.
im experiencing internal debate over moral issues.

and apparently i just got proven right that everyone is dishonest .
i dont belive anybody dint ever be dishonest in his/her whole life before.

humans just exploiy each other and do nothing else.
that is so right!
im intellectual overnight!wheeeee
told you i would learn more after this internal debate!!!!!
i feel like i discovered something more about life and its meaning.

i feel weird when people tell me something which i dont know how to answer.
as in....
if i go "i ate dinner just now"
u will go like "errrrr.ok..."
cos its such a "whatever i dont care at all" thing to say.
yah.
just feels weird replying statements like that...
dont expect me to say smth like " oh.did u eat curry or what"

ok..........
im just expressing what i feel of weird statements


i think i write long posts cos i dont talk alot .
i express myself better in words?
so im really talking now just not verbally.
-____-
haha. that makes sense!

seriously i will never say out verbally most of the stuff i post
i think i just prefer to avoid direct contact with others
yes!
i am anti-social.
very.
and its causing me all the problems in the world.
vhnsuybviu
sheeesh

and just when i thought i figured out my life,
it turns out i havent been much clearer about anything.
all this thinking just wastes my time cos they dont solve my problems at all.

yep.

im still back in square one.
i guess life never advances.
only time does.

i love some things i say cos they are just so brilliant.

i am talkative.
just not verbally
XD
XD
XD